Sunday, August 24, 2008

My Best Friend Wedding

Today is my best friend's wedding; Tetty Sulastri Martina Simbolon and Yogi Pratama. Tetty and I had been trough a lot of things. There were times when we fought and didn't talk each other for few days. But after that, we cried together and could understand each other more. We always laugh every time we meet. And of course we always share our love stories, even though we always declare that we are independent women. :D

During our radical moment we feel like we don't need men. Because our similarity is enough to fill our night. It is enough to talk about life, existance, philosophy, and being single until age 28 hahahaha she is the one who plan not to get married until 30. Yes at that time we just loved to be free as we wanted. Describing our single life would be like sex and the city stars. Smart, success, and single. We dreamed of celebrating new year at the apartement, somewhere in New York city, enjoying hot chocolate in front of the fire place.

And today (24/8), seeing her wearing beautiful dress with roses on her head, I'm so touched. I'm touched when see smiles and says that she is so happy. I'm touched the way we hug each other and embrace the moment.

My dear Tetty, you look beautiful today. And I'm happy for you as I was happy to remember all of our togetherness. Be happy for your ever lasting love as we are happy for our long lasting friendship. :D

Love you Tetty

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Extreamly Chaos

Do you ever felt like alien in your own family? Well I do and it feels like hell. You feel you've been judge by your surround. So every single step you made have to be calculate. And the calculation will make you nervous.

The only thing can survive me from that is my room or bathroom. Funny how you can feel safe in that small and cold room. Sudenly, I feel safe in soaked liquid room. Its wierd coz i never feel that before and than I start questioning, am I normal or...?

Yesterday there was family gathering in my house. All my father's relative came and it is mean the talkative auts. Please pay attention for the plural verb I use in aut, its mean more than one. That will describe the burden I have to face.

Don't need one or two hour to feel the burden. Just take five minutes, one of my talk a lot aut spit her ammunition. She ask, how come I spent the saturday night alone. She just try to tease me. I just smile and try to ignore. And with her high tone voice, she said "Hey lapet (is a traditional cake so is explicit to humiliate me) why don't you answer me?." I turn arround and give her a full of anger definition plus, "Shut up.You so wierd."

They never respect me and they also thing their responsible for my life. Sometimes I just hate to realise that Indonesian has this close family bound. Coz most of the time the bound only exist to humiliate your independency. So they always treat you like 10 year old kid, with colorful ribbon on her head. Fuckin shit...i hate it so much.

I just need the cold of my bathroom. And try to figure out how to face this hesitate family bound.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Exploring silence in solitude



I don't know what exactly happen to me.I feel like drama queen.Always sad, bored with this new desk,feel empty,and feel lying in insecurity.

Ok lets talk about it one by one.Sadness. Since my aunt "approach" me to talk about my love one and how I can find the way out, so my parents (read : father) will give their bless, I'm so affraid to lose my ice cream maker. And when I'm watching 50 first date, I become more sad.

The movie talk about how a man fighting to make the one he love remember the beauty of love. At once I think it much easier than have to confience your family,merrid is not about how to make one religion more realiable.

But in the end, it not easy for Lucy too, the girl who has lost memory because of the accident she had. Everyday, she always face with the reality that everything moving forward except her memory system. She always have to fall in love to her husband. And the one which make me cry is, when she have to watch the video that summerize what happening in her life. She was there but she never remember she is there.

And about my new desk. This mining thing already make me exhausted. I have to deal with big oil, gas, or mining company and persuade them talk about there privilege. How they spent their money after exploring the fosil and let the village surround their operation field still poor. Its so exhausted to persuade them to talk about shit. I don't know, this new magazine from my paper is to business minded. And I'm to naif to say that I'm not on their side.

When we talk about emptyness, I don't know how to describe it precisely. Because emptyness is happen when you can't make definition about anything right. So I define emptyness already. Well emptyness is about nothing but to enter this nothing you have to define something. Wierd.

All of this make me realise that (maybe) I am insecure. Life is about insecurity. And when the preist at the curch talk about God Forgiveness and Faith, I realize it's start from insecurity. When man not know where to end their life, heaven or hell. They create something to push their insecurity of being after dead.

And when God feel alone, He or She or whatever you want to call The Almighty, God create heaven and hell. So everyone will aware about their insecurity and run to the scripture plus religion scholar to know the God's security.

Maybe I just need to exploring the silence in solitude. Coz everything run so fast in my life after define how possible media can stand in their neutrality. I just miss those time. Listening journalist theory, experience and thought from other journalist. Drink diffrent alcohol. Dance untill 4 in the morning. Its a free world and I miss to be free and wild as butterfly.